Some HIV negative men in ongoing relationships with other HIV negative men choose to have anal sex with each other without using condoms. At best this decision can help make the sex they have special, at worst it can increase the risk of either or both partners contracting HIV.

Choosing not to use condoms with a regular partner is a major decision. It’s not only a decision about the type of sex you have together, it's a decision about how much responsibility for your sexual wellbeing you're prepared to hand over to your partner. By choosing to fuck without condoms within your relationship you are saying to each other ‘I trust you with my health and safety’.

There's a range of reasons why guys in relationships might not continue to use condoms with their regular partner. These include:

• To feel ‘closer’ or more intimate
• To differentiate sex with their partner from sex with other people
• To show trust and love for each other
• To make sex more spontaneous
• One felt pressured not to use condoms
• An accident or ‘slip-up’
• Being ‘over’ using condoms.

There is also a range of reasons why men in relationships might continue to use condoms with their partner. These include:

• One or both partners don’t know their HIV status
• They want the peace of mind that condoms provide
• They can’t agree on a set of guidelines for the sex they have within and outside their relationship
• They are only in the beginning stages of the relationship
• They are experiencing problems with the relationship
•  Either or both can’t trust the other to be honest about potential risks.

The Four-Ts - step by step

Step One - Talk

To safely stop using condoms within your relationship you need to be able to talk openly and honestly with each other about why you want to do it, what the potential benefits and risks might be, the ground rules for sex inside and outside the relationship and how you’ll deal with any problems that may arise.

If you come to an understanding with each other on all of these issues and still want to ditch the condoms you should then move on to Step #2.

Step Two - Test

Step 2 is for both of you to have an HIV test. You can do this together or separately. If you're going to have anal sex without a condom you should both be totally sure you are HIV negative and aren’t going to put each other at risk.

If the tests for both of you come back negative, you should still continue to use condoms for 3 months before moving on to Step #3.

Step Three - Test

Step #3 is to get a second HIV test. If neither of you have had unsafe sex throughout the three-month period then the second test will confirm that both of you are HIV negative.

If this is the case and you still want to stop using condoms with each other you can then move on to Step #4.

Step Four - Trust

Step #4 is to negotiate a clear agreement for sex with each other and other people outside the relationship (if that’s what you’ve decided) as well as guidelines for dealing with any problems that might arise.  Once these have been made clear you can then trust that you and your partner will stick by them.  

If the two of you decide to stop using condoms for anal sex with each other remember it depends upon open and honest communication.  The discussions you have about condoms and sex can help you understand each other better and build a stronger relationship.

More info

Contact: ACON’s Gay Men's Education Team

ACON runs workshops with gay men that cover topics including relationships. Please get in touch with ACON’s Gay Men’s Education Team to find out what workshop works best for you.

Tel: (02) 9206 2000
Freecall: 1800 063 060
Hearing Impaired: (02) 9283 2088

Email: groups@acon.org.au