Negotiating online

A number of web sites that feature chat rooms have guidelines on ‘safety on the net’ that are useful to refer to. Meeting people online is very different than meeting people in a bar, or at other social events. As one web site says in the introduction to its guidelines ‘there are many success stories, so don’t be too despondent if you have to kiss a few frogs.’  Often what you think someone is like before you meet them in real life, or how they have described themselves, turns out to be very different to how you ‘really’ experience them. And just as there are a number of people in a bar you wouldn’t think of inviting home – so ‘online’ communities are made up of diverse and different people, not all of whom are honest.

Stay safe

• Don’t freely give out or distribute your home or mobile phone number or your primary email account…and remember that in Australia, if you make a call to a mobile phone, your own number will often be displayed.
• When meeting for the first time, arrange to meet in a busy public place like a bar or a club, or a coffee shop. You can always go somewhere more private later when you are sure you can trust them. Do not rely on the other person for transport - then you can leave whenever you want.
• Let someone know who you are meeting and where. You can leave a note, keep a diary, e-mail a friend, or ask someone to phone you on your mobile (if you have one) to make sure you are all right.
• Apply your common sense and the basic rules of personal safety. Maintain a healthy degree of suspicion: if anything seems odd, be careful. Trust your instincts. If you feel unsure about a situation, excuse yourself and leave immediately.
• If you plan to meet a stranger for sex, be safe and take condoms and water-based lubricant with you in case you need them.
• Don’t feel compelled or pressured to do anything you don’t want to. Should things get out of hand don’t hesitate to report it to the police or to gay and lesbian legal organisations - they’ll be more understanding than you think – or if you are not confident doing that seek advice from a local gay organisation.

Cyber sex and relationships versus ‘real life’

This advice is for newcomers to online chat rooms. For experienced users it will be well known or obvious. Cyber sex and relationships are not the same as real life. This seems obvious. But many experienced users of chat rooms will tell you they wish they had known this when they first started spending time using chat rooms on the Internet Some of the common things which people have learnt include

• Initially you can spend too much time in chat rooms to the detriment of your real life. Some people find chat rooms quite ‘addictive’ yes they can be fun but they are not a substitute for real life.
• Often people have entered into on-line ‘relationships’ and have been surprised by the intensity of emotions they experienced. It is a lot easier to misinterpret things on-line. In real life 90 per cent of communication is said to be nonverbal. Online we rely on words and symbols and they are a lot easier to misinterpret. Often what the other person may be experiencing is not the same as what you may be experiencing.
• What people say they do online is not what they necessarily actually do or would even be prepared to do in real life. Online can be the world of the virtual and fantasy…indeed a safe place to explore your wildest fantasies….lots of men may have much wilder fantasy sex lives than their real sex lives. And some of those fantasies may include things that in real life may carry some health risks such as transmission of sexually transmitted infections so remember what you might see represented in chat rooms is a representation of people’s fantasies.

HIV+ men online

There are many detailed information resources about HIV and safe sex. Gay men have been living with HIV in their midst for over 20 years. Yet it is still the case that some gay men think they have never met a person with HIV. And HIV positive gay men, both online and in bars, sometimes report incidents of discrimination and harassment from other gay men. Here is some interesting Australian research results from a recent survey of gay men.

• 80% of (HIV negative) gay men felt that positive gay men should disclose their HIV status in sexual situations
• Yet, if disclosure did occur, then 70% of these men would then reject these potential partners

There is a mixed message to positive gay men here – they should disclose – but if they do disclose then they will be rejected. If HIV negative men expect HIV positive men to disclose their HIV status, then there is an equal responsibility for HIV negative men to be prepared to hear this information and deal with it in a sensitive and responsible way.

Online in a chat room you are more likely to encounter openly HIV positive people. Often positive people are revealing their HIV status so they can find other positive people to talk to or meet. And often they are being open so that anyone who contacts them online knows about their HIV status from the beginning. It is easier to be open and up front online than in a bar, a sex venue or a bedroom.

More info

Contact: ACON’s Gay Men's Education Team

Tel: (02) 9206 2000
Free Call: 1800 063 060
Hearing Impaired: (02) 9283 2088

Email: sgep@acon.org.au