How confident are you?

It's generally a good idea to be confident about your sexuality before telling others that you're attracted to people of the same sex as you. If you're having feelings of confusion or guilt it's probably best if you hold off from coming out, particularly to those who you think may react in an unsupportive way. It might, however, be useful to talk to a counsellor or a close supportive friend or family member about some of the issues that are causing you concern. If you're uncomfortable about explaining your situation to them, your friends or family might think you're just confused or going through a phase.

What do you know about homosexuality or same-sex attraction?

The people you're planning on telling about your sexuality may not know much about homosexuality. If you've done some reading on the subject you may be more prepared to answer their questions more fully. There are a number of questions that come up frequently such as:

• "What made you this way?"
• "How long have you been this way?"
• “How do you know?”
• "Aren't you scared of catching something?" 

If you have trouble answering their questions they may think you don't really know what you're talking about and treat your sexuality as a phase you're going through.

What kind of support do you have?

If it's at all possible you should have somebody to talk to if your friends or family react badly. There are some individuals or support groups you can talk to if necessary. You can find their details on our links page.

What's the emotional climate?

Before telling people about your sexuality try to assess how things in general are going. If the person you're planning on telling is dealing with grief, sickness, death, moving or losing a job it may be best if you hold off from telling them about your sexuality until their current stresses have passed. Often people will come out during a fight. This can have both positive and negative effects. For some people saying "I'm gay, lesbian or bisexual" is very difficult. They need the extra emotion created by a conflict to get over that particular threshold. The main disadvantage in coming out in a fight is that it may sound as though you're using it as a weapon against the other person and therefore they may not be in any mood to be understanding.

What is your motive for coming out?

There are many reasons for coming out. One is to build love, trust, respect and a more open relationship with the person you're telling. For much of a same-sex attracted persons life they have to keep secrets from the important people in their lives. Coming out is a way to do away with these secrets. Consequently the relationship with other people can become more honest and fulfilling. Some people come out as a deliberate attempt to hurt the other person. There's little constructive value in this and will probably end up being a bad experience for everybody concerned.

Are you financially dependant on the person you're going to tell?

If you think there is a real risk of being thrown out of the house or having money cut off by the person you're planning to tell it may be best to hold off from telling them until you are sure they'll be supportive, or until you're in a position where you don’t have to rely on them financially.

How do you feel about waiting?

Your friends and family may need some time to adjust to the news you've told them. It has probably taken you years to get used to the idea of being attracted to other people who are the same sex as you, so it would be unrealistic to expect the people you’ve just told to deal with it in a short time. Some people will be fine straight away while some people may take several years to accept the idea. It can be a slow process.

What do you think their values are around sexuality and particularly homosexuality?

If they look at sex and sexuality with a conservative view you may have some real problems with telling them about your sexuality. It will be important for you to consider whether it's necessary for them to know about that part of your life and if their views will affect the way they feel about you once they know that you're same-sex attracted.

Is this your decision?

It's extremely important to be in control when you're coming out to people. Not everyone needs to know. Don't feel pressured into coming out just because you think you have to. Sometimes it's unnecessary and can make your life more difficult and complicated. Coming out can have a big impact on your life, maybe positive or maybe negative, but either way prepare yourself to deal with the consequences before actually doing it.

More info

Contact: ACON’s Lesbian & Same-Sex Attracted Women’s Health Project

Tel: (02) 9206 2000
Free Call: 1800 063 060
Hearing Impaired: (02) 9283 2088

Email: women@acon.org.au