Women's Health

Sex + The Internet

Sex and the Internet

Negotiating online

A number of websites that feature chat rooms have guidelines on ‘safety on the net’ that can be useful to refer to. 'Meeting’ people online is very different to meeting people in a bar or at other social events. As one web site says in the introduction to its guidelines ‘There are many success stories, so don’t be too despondent if you have to kiss a few frogs.’ What you think someone is like before you meet them in real life, or how they have described themselves, turns out to be very different to how you ‘really’ experience them. And just as there are a number of people in a bar you wouldn’t think of inviting home – so ‘online’ communities are made up of diverse and different people, not all of whom are honest or your type.

Stay safe

Don’t freely give out or distribute your home or mobile phone number or your primary email account…and remember that in Australia, if you make a call to a mobile phone, your own number will often be displayed.
When meeting for the first time, arrange to meet in a busy public place like a bar or a club, or a coffee shop. You can always go somewhere more private later when you are sure you can trust them. Don't rely on the other person for transport - then you can leave whenever you want.
Let someone know who you're meeting and where. You can leave a note, keep a diary, e-mail a friend or ask someone to phone you on your mobile (if you have one) to make sure you are alright.
Apply your common sense and the basic rules of personal safety. Maintain a healthy degree of suspicion. If anything seems odd, be careful. Trust your instincts. If you feel unsure about a situation, excuse yourself and leave immediately.
If you plan to meet a stranger for sex, be safe and take gloves, condoms for sex toys, dams and water-based lubricant with you in case you need them.
Don’t feel compelled or pressured to do anything you don’t want to do. Should things get out of hand don’t hesitate to report it to the police or to gay and lesbian legal organisations - they’ll be more understanding than you think. If you're not confident doing that you can seek advice from ACON.

Cyber sex and relationships versus ‘real life’

Cyber sex and relationships are not the same as real life. This seems obvious. But many experienced users of chat rooms will tell you they wish they'd known this when they first started spending time using chat rooms on the Internet.

Some of the common things which people have learnt include

Initially you can spend too much time in chat rooms – to the detriment of your real life. Some people find chat rooms quite ‘addictive’ (yes they can be fun) but they're not a substitute for real life.
Often people have entered into online ‘relationships’ and have been surprised by the intensity of emotions they experienced. It's a lot easier to misinterpret things online. In real life 90% of communication is said to be nonverbal. Online we rely on words and symbols which are a lot easier to misinterpret. Often what the other person may be experiencing is not the same as what you may be experiencing.
What people say they do online is not necessarily what they actually do or would even be prepared to do in real life. Online can be the world of the virtual and fantasy - lots of people may have much wilder fantasy sex lives than their real sex lives. And some of those fantasies may include things that in real life may carry some health risks such as transmission of sexually transmitted infections. So remember what you might see represented in chat rooms is a representation of peoples fantasies.